Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in artminionandrew's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, October 10th, 2009
7:39 pm	I learned to see 2-dimensional images in 3-D I've learned how to view a 2-dimensional images as thought the images themselves were 3- dimensional. This realization came after the study of phenomenology in my Philosophy of Mind class. The phenomenological method involved cognitively reflecting upon how we perceive objects in our visual field; forcing transparent cubes into appearing as to face one way, and than another, tricking our eye to think one plane may be closer of further away. After practicing these presented exercises during the course of the reading, and then partaking in a half-bowl of marijuana laced with a trace of Salvia Divinorum, became more fully aware as to the mental actions involved and how the slight muscular contractions regarding the way the eye focuses on objects in the visual peripheries and how the mind perceives this raw visual information into a conceptual perspective of 3 dimensional space. I can now widen my focus on areas in the inner-periphery of my focused visual core, while at the same time cognitively alter my interpretation of the raw 2-dimensional visual input and interpret it as though it were existing in 3-Dimensions. The various peripheral focus points could be forced to visually recede or transcend in a manner that simulates the experience of 3-Dimensional space. This experience will be a unique addition to my report for Philosophy of Mind on the effects of Salvia Divinorum, and other induced states. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 13th, 2008
3:27 pm	Welcome... To Jurassic Park Just returned from seeing "Walking With Dinosaurs: The Live Experience" which was awesome. It had a great mix of action, humor, and dramatic storytelling to keep my attention until the final climactic scenes with the Tyrannosaurus. The mobile animatronics are very sophisticated, there's a video in the official website: http://www.dinosaurlive.com/ under the "Dinosaurs" tab. I feel the only way it could've been better is if they had been able to get Richard Attenborough to be the narrator. The show could so easily changed to "Jurassic Park: The Live Experience" I wish I could've taken my camera... -_- (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 12th, 2008
12:39 am	Two Weeks of Summer So after twelve weeks of classes, I'm finally finished with all my summer courses. Everything is pretty much set for the coming school year, so now there's nothing for me to really do but try and enjoy some of the last two-and-a-half weeks of summer. Not much is going on at home, I keep stressing to mom that we need to get the dumpster situated at Grandma's house so we can start clearing some of the junk out, but as of yet, all we've done is clean and sweep the bedroom, and take a few bags of clothing odds and ends to Goodwill. I' also trying to convince her that we should hold a garage sale to get rid of a lot of the excess junk, both at Grandma's house and our own. As a result I've been trying to ruthlessly clean out my room, figuring out what I want and what I can really live without. In the meantime, and in lieu of employment, Zak's dad is offering money to anyone willing to come and scrape paint at his house, so for the last two days I've spent a few hours over there earning a little last-second cash before I have to empty my bank account again to pay the bills. (I'm almost actually looking forward to getting back to the Fresh, just to have a steady income). I'm trying to look forward with some hope for this coming term, I really want to get over all of this shit with Alicia and move on, but as of yet, I have no leads. So I guess I'll have to just keep dealing in the meantime... which is all I've really done for the last four-and-a-half months. *shakes head* Mom is usually pretty good about being on the same page as I am, but she can't comprehend why I'm depressed. She says I have my whole life to look forward to, etc. which is true, but at the moment I can't find anything IN my immediate life to look forward to. And as such, I feel depressed. How hard is that to really understand? Current Mood: unenthused (Comment on this)
Friday, August 1st, 2008
7:29 pm	So, I've found the time lately to do some gaming on XBox Live during the perids when my XBox ISN'T choking on the discs. And I have few observations. Halo 3 online matchmaking would be a lot more fun if I wasn't constantly being stuck on TEAM FUCKTARD. Seriously, it's like a throwback to middle school and high school gym classes where you get thrown on the team with all the girls and everyone who doesn't want to play... And half the time they quit, either right from the get-go or as soon as (OMG who would've guessed) we start sucking because if it weren't for gravity half the team members wouldn't even hit the ground. And while I'm on the subject of team-mates quitting on me, it is NOT a hump-worthy kill when my entire team quits on me, and you spawn-camp me to death. Yes, I'm very impressed, you're all standing at my base waiting for me to appear so I can fire all of three bullets into nothingness before someone shoves a rocket, two shotgun shells and your entire team's sweaty digital balls up my ass. Bravo, a victory worth celebrating. And how do simple objective based games like "Collect the one bob at the map and take it to the enemy base" turn into "everyone stand around our base, kill the guy with the bomb and then resume just standing there"? It's like they're AFRAID to play the game! I even started bitching about it through my mic and got a scathing rebuttal of well thought out responses "HAHA Thats not how u play teh game nub!" ... No. What YOU'RE doing is "not how u play teh game" And speaking of those who shouldn't be playing the game, is it considered cool in middle school these days to tell your friends how you got onto your brother's/father's/uncle's-baby-daddy's XBox so you can suck at Halo and shout obscenities in your squeaky, annoying prepubescent voices? Here's a general rule, if you don't have hair on your naughty-parts you shouldn't be playing Halo, and for god's sake if you must, be on the other team so I can fucking mute you. It's sad that the only time I really enjoy playing these days is during the rare instance that I'm NOT stuck on TEAM FUCKTARD, or when I'm playing with my own friends. But since Halo matchmaking has this fucking stupid network compatibility glitch, I never get to play with friends unless, a. I'm sitting the fucking room with them or b. if we accidentally get placed in the same game. And with 10's of thousands of Halo 3 players out there, the chances are so infinitesimally small it's maddening. So yes, in general I'm once again fucking tired of trying to deal with the bilge the internet gaming community, which is what keeps mefrom playing more often in the first place. Current Mood: bitchy (Comment on this)
Monday, July 21st, 2008
1:32 am	A man more sinned against than sinning. I guess I should save such a melodramatic quote for a time that really deserves it, but fuck it, King Lear is one of my very favorite Shakespeare plays. That isn't to say that my life has been free of melodrama of late. There was actually a point on Tuesday that knocked me down a few levels, though I'm not sure why... The setup is as follows; I had been working for a number of hours at the art center, in my studio space of course, when on a whim I decided to take a break and head home for a bite to eat. As I walk towards the lobby of the art center, I find myself approaching a rather attractive girl, well-dressed, short-cut hair, nice body; I think to myself 'why not say hi? It can't hurt.' Upon reaching the lobby I discover it to be none other than Alicia. Like I said, I'm not sure why it made me so angry, it might have something to do with the fact that I had un-knowingly assessed her as being the type of girl I might like to get to know, before reality came crashing down again. Or it may have had something to do with the fact that had I chose to leave either five minutes earlier or five minutes later and I wouldn't have come across her at all. I'm getting so sick of crossing paths with her at times when mere moments would have prevented me from having to see her and have all the bullshit dredged up again. I don't believe much in coincidences these days, all experience has been to the contrary. Oh, and what else should I notice, just today? I look in the mirror to see that the shirt I've been arbitrarily wearing was purchased at the Mountain Rock Festival, a year ago, today. I honestly considered burning it. I can honestly say that some of the best days of my life were spent in her presence, and now the though of any of those days, memories that should be happy, just fill me with spite and contempt. I'm so goddamn tired of feeling like this... Current Mood: Shitty (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
1:05 am	Well a lot has happened in the last few days, and I'm still not quite sure what to make of all of it... I went home, downstate, for most of the week, right after the final for my watercolor class. Mom and I finally started working on getting grandma's house cleaned up, but it's gonna take some major elbow grease and perseverance to get the job done. We finally got started though so now we'll be more likely to keep working. It's weird clearing out the house that I spent so much time in growing up... We used to visit grandma every Friday night, she'd make us pizza, and we'd watch a movie or two on TV. The process of cleaning the home is like erasing some tangible form of memory from existence... the whole experience is kind of surreal. Meanwhile, back at home we've been working our butts off stacking hay bales over the last few days. It's strenuous work, and it's murder for my allergies, making the experience all the more unpleasant. And as an added bonus I've got blisters all over my hands and a puncture wound on my leg where I accidentally got myself with a hay hook. Fun times. By far the strangest set of circumstances involves me attempting to smooth things out between me and Zak, I got a call the night I came down that he wanted to talk about everything. I have to admit that I've grown so numb towards Alicia these days that dealing with Zak hasn't been that difficult, and besides, the more I think about it, the more it seems that yes, while what he did was wrong, and a grievous betrayal of trust, at least he approached being honest with me when he let slip that something had indeed gone on in Ann Arbor that fateful day. Which is leaps and bounds more than what Alicia did. Lying to me up until the last fucking second, while constantly preaching how she hates dishonesty and the breaking of promises sickens me. And the more I think about her and how she is and has always been, I've come to the conclusion that it was never a mutual conspiracy, but rather she instigated the event and Zak (as I've come to expect) was unable to resist her advances. At least Zak is making some effort to change, she loves and leaves each man in turn, thinking only of herself... and that's not likely to change anytime soon. Anyways, everyone came up here to Grand Valley for J-Fax, the annual anime con that despite having gone to this school for the last 4 years, I have not attended since my sophomore year of high school. It's all been a rather quick succession of events; going from having not talked to Zak for a number of months to being in close contact with him over the last few days is rather bizarre. To be honest I'm actually rather uncomfortable with it, but there's no need for unnecessary conflict. It was the same the first few days I had the watercolor class with Alicia, albeit with less interaction. Right now everybody is over at Alicia's apartment, and once again I find myself alone... I know that's the trouble in them being mutal friends, but it doesn't give me any comfort right now... Well fuck it... On a slightly more positive note, seeing all the cos-players today really makes me want to finish my Spartan armor, although it'd really help to have a mannequin to work off of. I'll have to work that out eventually. Current Mood: anxiety (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 17th, 2008
2:36 pm	Mixed Feelings I don't know whether I should be sad that the watercolor class is ending or relieved. On one hand I've enjoyed the opportunity to work more in the medium, (I seem to have some latent talent for it) But at the same time I'll be rid of Alicia for the remaining six weeks of summer. We're having our final critiques today, and as luck would have it I show up for the last hour and Alicia is the one being critiqued as I arrive (go figure, huh?) She didn't seem too happy about the results of her critique, and there was once a time when I would've cared, but that time is passed. I have confidence in my own work in the class so I'm not sweating the critique at all. But at the same time I'll miss the class itself and a few of the people I've met during it. That reminds me, Sarah is leaving to spend the second six weeks of summer with John out in California, so I'm once again down a contact for the rest of the summer *Sigh* As time progresses I get more lonely, but we'll see, Lizzy might be in my philosophy class during the second six weeks and that would be alright. Anyways, that's all for now. Current Mood: meh (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008
12:37 am	(Un)Death and Notes Well 3 weeks into summer and everything is still kinda slow going, my search for employment is still intolerably frustrating, it seems that the economy is so bad that businesses are forced to employ the dancing mascot approach to boost sales, but it also means that those dancing mascots couldn't find any other jobs so either way I'm screwed. Class is going okay, Laurel was gone Monday, tuesday, and today, I went to the John Ball Zoo on Monday as planned and spent a few hours photographing and sketching the animals, then Amanda dropped by and we spent the last hour checking everything out together. So that was fun. I finished my third watercolor today (all three are posted on my Deviantart ( art-minion-andrew0.deviantart.com )So feel free to check them out. In my free time I've been playing Dead Rising like a fiend, trying to survive five days in infinity mode so as to unlock the light saber (yeah I'm a nerd) I've made a point of further engrossing myself in zombie-lore by watching Romero flicks on my laptop while Frank stands around waiting to die. (brb, Frank needs to eat) Where was I? Oh yes, zombies... mmmm brains. Finally Amanda and I went to see the Deathnote movie tonight. It was very entertaining, even more so considering I've never read any of the mangas or seen any of the series. It was well dubbed and apart from a lack of subtitles for the textual elements (i.e. memos, text messages, signs, etc.) It was easy to follow and thoroughly enjoyable, We'll definitely make a point of seeing part two if it comes to the theatre. Anyways, that's about all that's been going on... So goodbye for now. Current Mood: complacent (Comment on this)
Friday, May 9th, 2008
12:37 am	Well, summer has finally arrived, and no, I don't really feel any more hopeful than I did at the time of my last post. The watercolor class will be fun I'm sure, but I know I would be enjoying it much more if I didn't have to take it with Alicia. It's incredibly frustrating to have been forced to take the class with her (I've mentioned before that this class is rarely offered and this would be my only opportunity in which to take it) and I'm constantly being reminded of all the bullshit I've been through this last semester. The sound of her voice infuriates me to no end and constantly dodging each other's glances is annoying as well. When I can't ignore her I've just come to associate her equally with Justin (the misogynistic, klepto douchebag) as an irritant I can't escape from but have to deal with nonetheless. She's apparently thinking that now, after a few months have passed that I've gotten over it, from time to time she makes an attempt at something resembling civil interaction, and in neither case have I responded vocally. I have no words for her, at least none that need be spoken in the classroom environment. I know at some point here I'll have to take her aside and tell her that I want nothing to fucking do with her, and I'm not looking forward to actually having to talk to her again. (especially after having recently learned of a few more antics between her and Zak that I was heretofore unaware of) Lizzy told me that she WANTS to maintain a friendship or some semblance thereof, but nothing doing on my part. She had her chance to end this properly, but instead she chose to fuck with my emotions, betray me, and lie to me up to the last fucking second. She does not deserve, nor am I likely to grant her my forgiveness. And regardless of whether or not she feels that acting civilly towards each other would make the class a more comfortable environment, I unknowingly lived a lie the last year of my life, why would I choose to pretend to be friendly towards her now especially after all the shit she's pulled? and who the fuck does she think will be fooled by it? She dug the grave for this relationship, and I'll be damned if i'm gonna help her climb back out of it. She still needs to learn that she can't treat people the way she treated me and just expect them to just drop it and pretend things are better. It does get easier, little by little as I continue numbing myself to her presence but I'm still no closer to escaping all this bullshit for good, and that's what I really need right now. *sigh* Until then, all I can do is survive. Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Monday, April 21st, 2008
5:12 pm	Birthday reflections I'm not sure how to comment on the last two years, my last birthday post was made from the downstairs computer lab, in Alicia's company, as I took a break from my intro to painting final project... That of course was the end of that school year, after she had broken up with brent and before we'd considered dating. My post that day was (comparitively) a rather meaningless bit of drivel about my refusal to grow up, and it makes me think of how much I've grown since then. Last year's birthday was very happy, I had started dating Alicia and my life at the time was complete. This year is different though, for it's own various reasons. I feel very lonely today, there's always been someone special to share my birthday with, but not this time... I got a call from Mom this morning, I talked to my grandfather, I've recieved well-wishes on and off Facebook from a number of people (including Alicia). But I almost feel as though these well wishes are all but arbitrary, I've felt so apathetic lately. Yes, I've had a few successes, passing junior review, etc. but I can honestly say I'm not really looking forward to summer. I still don't have a job, I still haven't quite finished my class schedule and final projects, and while I'm finally recovering from the breakup with Alicia, I still can't find anything tangible to look forward to. My 21st birthday wasn't a huge occassion, being a person who doesn't revere alcohol to the degree the average college student does, turning 21 really wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Having just turned 22 now, I'm shocked how quickly this last year of my life has passed, and I can't help but reflect on it with a degree of meloncholy dismay. I've lost alot that was very important to me this last year, and I can only hope that my luck changes for the better. Thank you to everyone for the well-wishes nonetheless. Current Mood: melancholy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 14th, 2008
11:23 pm	Today was a good day. So what happened? Goddam, I was up most of Sunday night wrapping up my painting so I could submit it with my intermediate drawing stuff, effectively wrapping up both intermediate drawing and figure painting in one fell swoop, and I planned on taking today off. I got out of work, had some lunch, hung out at the art center for awhile, and took a walk around the campus with Amanda, I even planned on running back to the art center later to play some Halo over live. That's when the shit hits the fan. On the way over to the art center with Brent, I catch sight of Alicia and Nick walking together back towards Nick's place. Now I had said earlier I wouldn't care if they started dating, because I doubted it was going to happen. But now Nick has broken up with Jill, so now they're BOTH single, and they're BOTH planning on staying here for the summer. I am so fucking tired of jogging along complacently as the fucking world falls down around me. Now, on top of EVERYTHING else, I get to worry about them starting a relationship. Hasn't she done enough fucking damage to me and my circles of friends? How much more do I have to tolerate? I AM FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT!! And maybe nothing will come of this and they're just friends, but almost the same day Alicia broke up with me, Nick asked if she would consider dating. So I can't help but predict the worst for all this. How much more of this shit do I have to go through before I can just be DONE WITH IT ALL??!! I'm fucking sick of how easy she has it too, she just gets to move on to the next guy she's had her eye on, while I'm stuck alone because I don't develop meaningful relationships with other girls while I'm involved with someone. And I'm SO fucking worked up right now I know it'll be almost impossible for me to fall asleep tonight, so I get to look forward to another fucking sleepless Monday night and the living hell of my Tuesdays. MOTHER FUCKING GODDAM SHIT!! Current Mood: ENRAGED (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 10th, 2008
8:42 am	An end? I really don't know. I finally reached the end of my rope and sent Alicia an email yesterday, it was basically a rant about everything I've been feeling over the last few weeks. She didn't read anything but the subject box which stated "I'll warn you right now, it's not pleasant" and rather than read the email, came over to talk to me at my studio space. This is probably a good thing, since the email was basically an anger-filled rant about everything. Having gotten all that out of my system, I was much better suited to hold a civil conversation about all of it. She's no longer afraid that I'm going to hurt her, thank god, she said she was just so taken aback my my anger that day that she didn't know what to expect. So, I guess that's one concern out of the way. She asked me what was wrong, and I went through the whole spiel about how I had cared for her so much, and that the decision she made in Ann Arbor was absolutely devastating on a number of levels. I told her that I hope she's starting to realize just how far reaching the consequences of a single action can be. One fucking action devastated, our friendship, our personal relationship, and my faith in most of the people I'd come to trust over the last 10 fucking years. I have to say, that's a pretty fucking raw deal. Part of me has been struggling to comprehend the "cause" behind the "effect". After telling her about how much Rhonda had hurt me, after I had told her that a "break" shouldn't be about pursuing some guilt-free fling with somebody else, and especially after she had told me that she didn't want me to go and make out with Rashel or Cheyenne over a "break", that she would do something so hypocritical is astounding in it's own right. But most baffling is that given all this, she must have known what my reaction would be, how much I would feel betrayed, and the kind of damage it would do to our relationship, friendly or otherwise. And she did it anyways. I tried to make her explain just why she did what she did, and she couldn't, it was an impulse thing, and it just happened. That doesn't make it any less of a travesty. I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I'll never be able to understand why she did what she did. I also got her to admit that she feels horrible about how things turned out, which is something I've needed to hear for a long time now. All this time I've felt like I've been the only one suffering from all this, and it's made the pain all the more difficult to bear. Hearing her confess how much pain she's been in made me feel better (sadistic as that sounds) I doubt I'll ever truly get over the injustice of this whole situation, deep down I knew Alicia wouldn't be able to understand, much less explain the reasoning behind her actions. Only time will tell whether or not this helps or hinders me over the next few days. I know that after the last time we spoke I didn't feel any better, but I guess whatever happens I can still hold her responsible for what I'm going through, which is the only thing that has sustained me over the course of this last few weeks. I told my councelor I was going to try and dela with things on my own now, but I think I might invite myself back, if only for the need to process all of this better. Current Mood: I don't even know (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
9:09 am	Well, I finally got to talk to my councelor again yesterday, which helped a bit. The last session was almost entirely based on catching up with everything that had happened between the session prior to that, (i.e. the confrontation with Alicia, the subsequent apology and the confrontation with Zak) so we never really got around to solving any problems. Thankfully, not much has happened since our last session, I've been consciously ignoring Alicia to the best of my ability, and trying to move on as best I can on my own. We discussed a number of things, mostly relating to the damage done to my ideas of self worth after the collapse of the relationship, and that the reason I'm unable to fully move on has to do with my inability to escapse Alicia. My frustration, it seems, stems from my inability to reason with the "cause" behind the "effect." In the past I've only ever felt this kind of depression as a result of some sort of punishment for a mistake, but this is more of a case of "bad things happen to good people" in which I'm not really to blame, and in all likelihood I'll never be allowed to comprehend Alicia's motives. My inability to escape the situation forcefully influences my desire to comprehend that which I'm never going to be able to understand or accept. And the only way I'm going to get over Alicia and move on is to develop another meaningful relationship. But this is a quandry as well, I'm torn between my desire to reinvent myself and comprehend myself as a person, (as a single entity) and my desire to just be done with this whole damn situation. Once again, it's Tuesday, and once again I barely slept last night, so I'm far from being in the best of moods. I'm certainly not looking forward to the rest of my classes today, and ESPECIALLY not looking forward to my fucking dish-shift tonight, but I don't have any choice in the matter, so I guess I'll just have to deal. -_- Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 5th, 2008
3:38 pm	A few recent successes Well I've had a few recent successes to encourage me lately. First off, I passed my junior level art review, my committee of teachers felt very strongly about my current project, the "Nightmare Menagerie" (http://art-minion-andrew0.deviantart.com/art/Nightmare-Menagerie-I-75883279) and (http://art-minion-andrew0.deviantart.com/art/Nightmare-Menagerie-II-79307981) and they few i've gotten half done and haven't posted on Deviantart yet. it looks like I'll be concentrating my senior efforts on assembling this project into an actual book, which will then be the focus of my senior show. (it's going to take a lot of effort, but I think it'll definitely be worth it in the end) The other update is that I've been arbitrarily surfing a few singles / dating websites, more for contentment in the knowledge that there COULD BE other people out there for me, if not for actively seeking a new relationship. *Shrugs* we'll see what comes of it. Anyways, I've been procrastinating on my painting project and it's about time I got to work. Current Mood: semi-satisfied (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
1:27 pm	Goddammit Leroy Well, I barely slept again last night. I had a dream somewhere around 3 that I caught Alicia and Zak making out and proceeded to rage at them both. I woke up and then tossed and turned until my fucking alarm went off, so that was a wonderful start to this fine Tuesday. I'm sick of this shit, I really am. *grumbles* Anyways, I'm sitting here in the last few minutes of figure painting, dreading having to go to Illustration at 2 because I KNOW she's gonna be there. I'm seriously debating whether or not I'm going to take that watercolor class this summer, I know Sarah will be there, but the prospect of having to sit for 3 and a half hours a day 4 days a week, and at the same time keep the rest of my shit together is frustrating to say the least. It was so much easier to just cut Rhonda out of my life because we worked together and I just quit the job. This, on the other hand I can't just walk away from. I'm stuck in Illustration with her not only the rest of this year but also summer AND next year. I don't know anything anymore. I need to start getting my junior review portfolio put together after work tonight and probably start my figure painting work as well. *Sighs* Everybody else can't wait for summer to start, but I dread it right now. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
12:14 am	*Strongbad voice* "Today's forcast is total crap." Well, I'm still feeling like I'm the only one suffering right now, but I'm finally starting to work myself out of my funk.... little by little. I've started on my painting homework finally and worked a bit on my illustration stuff. Not much progress has been made, but it's better than none I guess. It seems I'm finally starting to get numb to everything, but it's still incredibly painful to see Alicia in class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And it's not likely to change anytime soon either, especially if I end up in the watercolor class over the summer, because I know she'll be there. So I get to look forward to feeling like this for the extended future? Yaaaaaaaaaay fuckin' me. Ah well, that's still a month off, and while nothing will EVER allow me to forgive Alicia for what she's done, maybe it won't hurt so much by then... Time will tell. Current Mood: angst (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 27th, 2008
9:15 am	Revelations? Well, I finally forced myself to contact Zak and express my distaste for the choices he made, and how I held him equally responsible for the collapse of my relationship and all the pain I've been going through recently. I expressed just how betrayed I felt, and how serious the consequences were for his decision to make out with Alicia. I don't believe in coincidence, much less a coincidence as outrageous as this. I'm trying to be honest with the two of them, but circumstances still make me believe I'm being lied to. He told me that he and Alicia haven't been forming a relationship, that they really haven't even talked much until the last month or so, and that he's sincerely sorry for the mistake he made. A small part of me is finally convinced that there really is nothing going on between he two of them, and it was this thought that lead me to my first "revelation." Let's say for a second that what they're telling me is true. If they haven't been forming a relationship behind my back, then the ending of our relationship is Alicia's responsibility and hers alone. While I made a number of mistakes, none of them would have been fatal to our relationship had she felt as strongly for me as I felt for her. I understand the stress she's been going through, but I think it forced her to make a rash decision. If they haven't been forming a relationship, then Alicia made out with him out of her own free will, an action that betrays the true level of respect she has for me. Whether or not something had already been going on, I had made myself clear as to the circumstances surrounding our "break" and her actions were a grievous breach of that agreement. In short, yes, I made a few mistakes, but Alicia sacrificed the most meaningful relationship she's ever had because she didn't have the emotional maturity to make it last. My second "reveltion" came last night as I was sitting watching anime with Amanda. For the first time in the last few weeks I felt truly happy. After some meditation I realized that the reason I felt that way was that I had finally resolved myself to do something, anything. I have been so un-motivated the last two weeks I haven't been able to even bring myself to do the things I actually enjoy, much less the things I have to do. I realized, (and consequentially would not have come to this realization had it not been for the previous revelation) that nobody is going to come along and grant me the happiness I've lost, the only one who can improve my life now is me. I don't know why it took me so long to realize this, but I consider it a breakthrough. I slept soundly last night for the first time in a long while. Where i take this from here is completely up to me. I feared my new found freedom, the prospects I now have before me seemed daunting and intangible. My goal now is to seriously devote myself to improving my life and finding my own happiness again. I've been betrayed again, but I know now that little of it was my own fault, and what was can now be avoided in the future. Lic, I loved you with all of my heart, you were the most amazing person I had ever met, I truly wished I could've spent the rest of my life with you. We both made mistakes, and while what we shared was wonderful, I know now that my true happiness lies in another direction, and pining fore our lost connection will not get me there. Current Mood: Enlightened (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 24th, 2008
8:41 pm	Torubled Sleep and troubled thoughts I haven't been sleeping well, I haven't been level-headed lately, I'm still emotionally distraught by all that's happened, and I don't think it's going to change any time soon. It's so hard for me right now, I have no motivation to do anything, even things I think I'd otherwise ENJOY doing. I guess first off I should say that I tried to make amends with Lic the other day, I apologized for making the confrontation a one-sided attack, knowing full well that I must've been at least partially at fault for the collapse of our relationship. She insists that it had NOTHING to do with her developing a relationship with Zak. But as I've covered before, it's absolutely impossible for me to believe that. The circumstances are way too suspicious to be coincidental. Her friendship with Zak correlates with our downfall, and it had obviously developed to the point where she didn't feel guilty enough to resist making out with Zak the first goddamn opportunity she had. The fact that she confessed to her friends makes me believe she knew deep down that what she was doing was wrong. And of course, as I've stated before it was exactly the same way we treated Brent when our relationship started to develop in earnest. We were "just friends" even past the point when we actually started to go out, waiting until we thought Brent could "handle" it to finally tell him the truth. And if they ARE developing a relationship, Lic will be even LESS likely to tell me the truth due to my aggressive behavior during the confrontation. *Shakes head* it's a lose/lose situation. The rest of the conversation focused on what mistakes I made to make her feel that the only option was to break up with me. I finally got her to say something other than "We changed" or "We grew apart" which are just meaningless over-simplifications. She finally told me that she felt "neglected" in the relationship, which, in hindsight, I can begin to understand. I think it was a mistake for us to have practically cohabitated through the majority of our first year together, I believe that sewed the seeds of us both taking each other for granted, especially when our schedules began to limit our time together. The thing that hurts me most is knowing that none of this should've been fatal to the relationship, we were having some communications issues yes, and admittedly, when it comes to personal relationships I am slow to learn and adapt. I am a creature of habit, almost to a fault, and despite my best efforts, it was apparently too little, too late. Personally I think Lic was just so stressed by everything else that was going on, she wasn't able to really see the effort I was putting into fixing things. And by then it seemed that she'd already made her choice anyways. I really thought that apologizing to her and trying to make amends for my behavior would make me feel better, but it really hasn't. The only way I'll believe that she's not developing a relationship with Zak is when she starts dating someone else, but until then I can't help but think I'm still being lied to. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 20th, 2008
4:00 pm	Singularity Well, I finally had that final confrontation with Alicia, but I have mixed feelings about results. After talking to my counselor again, I realized my initial motive for confronting her (moments after finding out she made out with Zak during spring break) was just to share all the pain I felt. As it turned out, what I hoped to accomplish with the confrontation was really to try and make her understand a few truths she'd been denying to herself. First off, I wanted her to understand that there are people out there that will respect her for who she is, and not try to change her, there are people who will accept all her faults, there are people who won't treat her like a sex object (like James did) but if she wants to be happy, and to have a successful relationship, she can't just take all the good things from the relationship, and move on once she feels bored. in short, to treat people who care for her with the same amount of respect they give her. I feel she betrayed my trust and respect by developing a relationship with Zak behind my back, much less when she made out with him over our short "break." The fact that she allowed this to happen makes me feel that she has no respect for me, my emotions, or any of the time we shared together. I would have had much more respect for her if she just broke up with me back then, I would have been sad, upset, confused, and hurt but it's worse being lead on for months while being reassured that things would soon be "fixed." She told me she never did anything to intentionally hurt me, but her actions speak volumes to the contrary. It seems to me that she has no respect for other people's emotions, only her own. Second, I wanted her to just see that Zak can't be trusted. Despite the nine or ten years we've been friends he obviously doesn't have enough respect for me, much less the relationship I'd developed with Alicia. Someone who can't keep their head out of their pants long enough to realize this was a situation he shouldn't have interfered with can't be trusted to NOT do the same to Alicia. The moment any girl shows interest in Zak, he goes running straight to them regardless of who he hurts in the process. Pat warned Alicia and so did I, but she refuses to believe anything that doesn't make her happy. Finally, she needs to start thinking more deeply into her actions, and realize that she alone is accountable for the consequences. She made the decision to start a relationship with Zak while still involved with me, she made the decision to take that even further during our "break" and possibly even other times, and she made the decision to confess to her friends. Friends that of course would have enough respect for me to eventually tell me about it. She can't blame them for telling me, because if the situation had never been allowed to develop in the first place that decision would have never need been made. Despite how callous I may have seemed during the confrontation, I feel that my frustration was wholly justified. Leading me on for months while she engineered the collapse of our relationship, and the development of her relationship with Zak were a serious betrayal of my trust and devotion. I never before then wanted to hurt Lic's feelings in any way, but I had done little to nothing to deserve the emotional pain I felt at the end of our relationship. I regret not mentioning to her that I realize some parts of our collapse to be my fault, because I know I'm partially responsible, but I honestly believe that the confrontation was a completely just turn of events. Sadly, sometimes the only way to help someone is to hurt them, and Lic will continue to make immature decisions and manipulate the emotions of others unless someone exposes her to the truth with brutal honesty. In time, I hope she comes to realize that some, if not all the things I said to her were true. I realize in hindsight that there were less inflammatory ways of confronting her, playing the recorded session of that morning's session with my counselor would have covered all the points, but I doubt she would have acknowledged the things I had to say without them being said forcibly. I also did some soul-searching and realized that we may not have necessarily been as compatible with each other as I first thought. Alicia can't help but worry excessively, while I'm a very laid back guy. I tried to be there to support her through her stressful periods and that's all anyone can really do. Another problem is her tendency to take relatively petty issues and explode them to outrageous proportions. I understand how much going to the President's Ball meant to her, but the situation fell beyond my control. I worked that day (a double shift nonetheless) and could not find a replacement despite my best efforts. But no matter how much I apologized, she refuses to forgive me. The same goes for a few other incidents. I realize just how much I'd screwed up not calling her before going home just days after we discussed our communication problems. But once again, no matter how much I apologize she refuses to take it as anything other than a personal attack. Eventually this would've undoubtedly caused undue stress in our relationship, and may have lead to its collapse for wholly different reasons. I'm terribly disappointed for how things turned out. Despite a few conflicts with her mother and sister, I felt I was starting to be accepted by her family, especially her father. Things were truly wonderful for both of us for a time, and I honestly wish things had ended differently. I really don't want her to demonize me to her family or anyone else, the same way she's done with a few of her other boyfriends, then again, knowing Lic the way I do, I wouldn't be surprised if it happens, but that's not really anything I can help at this point. Personally I know that this confrontation was the last hurdle keeping me from moving on, and knew that I would've been extremely difficult to continue a friendly relationship with her without expressing my final opinions on the end of our relationship. I do hope that Lic and I can be friends again somewhere down the line, but again, I knowing Lic the way I do and her tendency towards holding grudges, I can't help but think I may have permanently lost the person I considered to be my best friend these last three years, and so much more. Current Mood: 20/20 Hindsight (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 16th, 2008
12:08 am	My WMP playlist: Dane Cook - L-O-V-E Dope - The one I Love, I Hate (But the sex is Great) 3 Doors Down - Down Poison A.F.I. - Miss Murder Blink 182 - Pathetic Blink 182 - Dysentery Gary Blue October - Hate Me Deftones - RX Queen Evanescence - Call Me When You're Sober Fall out Boy - Dance Dance Fall Out Boy - Sugar We're Goin' Down Fiver For Fighting - Out of Love Colin Hay - I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You Gorillaz - 5/4 James Blunt - You're Beautiful James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover Jimmy Eat World - Pain Limp Bizkit - Nookie Linkin Park - Valentine's Day Marilyn Manson - Tainted Love Maroon 5 - This Love Mindless Self Indulgence - Faggot Finger Eleven - Paralyser L.F.O. - Every Other Time Sugar Ray - When It's Over Third Eye Blind - Blinded Bon Jovi - Shot Through The Heart Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder Neurosonic - I Will Always Be Your Fool The Offspring - She's Got Issues The Offspring - Spare Me The Details The Offspring - Self Esteem R.E.M. Losing My Religion Rammstein - Mein Herz Brennt Real Big Fish - Where Have You Been System of A Down - The Most Loneliest Day of My Life Weezer - Knock-Down-Drag-Out Weezer - O Girlfriend Wheatus - Love is a Mutt From Hell My Chemical Romance - I Don't Love You Peter Gabriel - I Grieve Current Mood: Grief (Comment on this)